Chapter Four

At the pad, we were met by a group of armed deer that seemed to be having alittle trouble keeping their balance, probably too much milk. Just once I would have liked to arrive somewhere and not have an armed reception waiting for us.

They led us to the terminal where I noticed quite a few maintenance teams making repairs to much of the luggage area and boarding ramps but, didn't think anything of it. I knew the Hare Krishna's would get pretty rowdy north of the border. The deer shoved us into a small gray room that had a few chairs and a lamp providing dim illumination. We must have violated some Berfinian flight code, at least that's what I suggested to the others. It was about a half hour before anyone else entered the room and when they did, I wished it were at least another hour. Two healthy looking deer entered on either side of another slightly taller one with a full rack of antlers.

The lead deer approached to speak, "How dare you invade Berfinian airspace? You realize that we could have destroyed you in the air? Why are you here? How did you get so close without us noticing you?...."

After a good ten minutes of him doing nothing but asking questions and not waiting for the answers, Brophy interrupted with an observation that was a tad less than tactful, "Hey! The deer has a red nose! It's Rudolph. Look it's Rudolph! Does it light up? Come on, light it up for us."

The deer, displaying extraordinary speed, grabbed Brophy by the scruff with one swipe and brought him up to face level. The deer looked peeved, "Don't ever, EVER, call me Rudolph. I can't fly and my nose ain't red. If you say anything more about my nose I'll rip yours off!"

Then Mervin took up the subject, "You know, his nose IS red, wow, I bet the other deer didn't let him play in their deer games when he was a kid." he said nudging Banister Fruit in the ribs.

"See? I told you," Brophy said, "your nose is redder than an apple." and with his free arm reached over and honked the deer's nose.

"That's it, I warned you." The deer grabbed and ripped Brophy's nose right off.

Brophy flipped out. He ran around the room crying, "He's got my nose! He's got my nose! Vance get it back, make him give my nose back, NOW!"

Everyone fell to the floor laughing, Vance so hard that milk started to come out his nose. Banister Fruit hopped over and picked up the panicking Brophmeister, trying to soothe him and in minutes, another nose had regrown exactly as the original. She was handy under emergency conditions, but probably would put a real damper in a party situation.

I tried to explain our situation to Rudolph, but he wasn't very sympathetic. Vance even tried putting on a tap show for them, but they weren't impressed -deer preferred waltzes to tap, they thought it was more graceful. During the interrogation, the other deer stumbled a few times and nearly fell several others. I thought this was odd since deer were famous for their unbelievably good balance. I began to wonder what was wrong here. The questioning ended soon, but not before Brophy lost his second nose and regrew another. We seemed to have convinced them that our intentions were not harmful so we were free for the time being.

We left the sledport on foot (or hoof, depending on how you looked at it) in the darkness to get a bite to eat. The local Mickey D's was the only place in sight but, more importantly, it was open. Even though Vance didn't appreciate our carnivoristic binge, we ordered food and had a seat. Mervin busied himself in arguing with the manager over why they didn't carry a McTwinkee so he didn't immediately join us.

"Why are we here again?" Banny asked.

"We have to find out what happened to Parfoom and his family. They were good friends and I have a hunch that the answers are here. Did you notice how funny everyone has been treating us?" I asked.

"I can't tell, everyone acts strange toward me." admitted Banister Fruit.

"I noticed it, but you were too busy laughing at the noseless groundhog to listen to me." said Brophy indignantly.

In the distance a shrill noise was made by a wild animal that caused Fern to jump into a styrofoam hamburger shell. Vance glared at me for ordering the burger and going off my red meatless regiment, but that was something he had to work out for himself. "What was that?" she yelled.

"That was the cry of the Naked Yodeling Black Ferret of Northern Berfina. Most vicious and intelligent animal native to this area." said one of the neighboring customers. He then clucked like a rooster before morning and ran off flapping his arms. Not your average McDonald's customer response to animal noises.

"Ferrets? I've heard of them, I hear they speak fluent Latin and eat pumpkins stems and all." said Brophy with a touch of fear, "Dey is mean suckas." he finished, imitating Bruno's stupid voice.

"There's no point in worrying about them, we have to find Parfoom so we don't have time to worry." I interjected, "and this is just the place to start." pointing to the placemat. It had an advertisement for the All-Wise, All-Knowing, Talking Wise-Rock of Knowledge. For just drachmas per question the rock would give you the answer to any problem you may have.

I quickly went through my pockets. We still had a small amount of money left after the meal. The rock wasn't far so we could walk there to save some cash, but it was late, surely the rock would be closed for the night. It was settled that we would wait outside the rock until it opened in the morning.

Brophy sat somewhat dejectedly staring at his wax paper wrapper, "You know, that Happy Meal didn't make me one bit happier." Realization dawned on his face, "I bet they never meant for happiness to ensue from a Happy Meal. It's all just a ploy! False advertising! I want my drachmas back!"

Banny ushered him through the door before we went on our way. Mervin gave the manager an address to get quality twinkees in hopes that they could be added to the menu in the future and rushed after us.

The streets were desserted, not empty, there were vendors all over the place selling pastries and sherbet. "I guess these people like the nightlife." Banny said.

"What kind of people are all out at night? When the hell do they sleep -bastards!" Mervin remarked. He had no respect for a people who didn't keep to a regular sleep schedule.

Having already eaten, we hurried past the dessert vendors who waved angrily at us with sherbet cones for not making any purchases. A few blocks away, we almost walked past the entrance to the talking rock which was doing an unexpectedly bustling business for this time of night.

The line we waited on consisted of mostly deer, so we were the only cows, midgets, monks, bunnies, groundhogs and mice on it. We had enough money to get one question each, so we had to be sure everyone asked a good one. I told them to be careful, but I still had a feeling Brophy would be trouble. When it was our turn, he ran up and asked, "What was the thinking behind putting that trap door in men's underwear?"

"Oh, the old underwear trapdoor question, well in ancient times before the cow, people were really bored. Paranoia set in and people wanted an escape route for every thing, even the feet of the noble one. Good enough? Remember, the magic phrase for you is -Egad! My straw is unwrapped!" the rock replied.

Brophy nodded and walked away smiling as if he had been enlightened to the true nature of the universe. Next was Mervin and I should have seen this one coming a mile away, "How do they get the creamy filling into the rich sponge cake of the twinkee?"

"Ah, an age old question that only the Great Merf and myself know the answer to. They take the wonderful cake and the tasty cream and leave it together in a cabinet for at least two dingbars. Tiny elves do the rest and...woolaa! We have twinkees! Good enough? Remember, the magic phrase for you is -I must yammer, I'm duly sworn to!"

"Why yes!!! It's all so clear now! Thank you, thank you, thank you...." Mervin cried as he fell to his knees and kissed the rock. Vance pushed the monk out of the way so he could ask his question.

"Mooooo,moo,moo,mooooo,mooo moo moooooooo moo moooo mo?"

"Hmmmm, moo, mooooo? Ah, moom mooo moo moo moooooooom mooo mo om mooom mo mooo mo. Moooo mooo? Moom mmo, moom mo ooomo -mooom momoom mmom omo moomoooo!" the rock pronounced.

Satisfied, Vance walked to the side and waited for someone else to ask a question. We were getting nowhere. Fern stepped up next to ask her question; it was now clear that I had lost control, if I ever had it. "What do ponies get to ride on their birthdays?"

"Well, most ponies don't get to ride anything.

Occasionally they will whiff each other's butts, but that is usually the extent of their celebration. Good enough? Remember, the magic phrase for you is -Rebuttals, my right leg for rebuttals!"

Fern listened in awed enthusiasm and tears welled up in her eyes while the answer to her query still rang in her tiny ears. Banister Fruit jumped in front of me for her turn and asked, "Is there any possible way to drink milk without getting balls of mucus stuck in your throat?"

The rock paused for a minute to organize its answer and finally spoke, "Spatula!!! Good enough? Remember, the magic phrase for you is -Somehow, I have become Yiddish!"

Banny had a look on her face as if she had just been told that freezing water will produce ice -it was so simple she wondered why she didn't think of it. That's why the rock got the big drachmas. I tried to push my way to the front to ask my question which was the reason we were here. "Would you all get out of the way?" I shouted.

Immediately the rock responded, "Okey dokey." and it was gone -poof! My mouth dropped open as I saw the rock disappear along with my chance to ask a question. I turned to share my outrage with my friends and realized that I had become the focus of attention. Dozens of deer stared at me as if I had just peed on their moms. My midget's intuition told me that this meant trouble.

Quickly, we ran for the exit, barely getting through before an uncoordinated guard deer slammed a lock on it. It took him some time to remove it so, we made good use of the head start the accident had given us. Vance led us to a narrow alley that looked safe and we rested there. I confessed right away, "OK, so it was my fault that we'll never find Parfoom. He's probably being held in some prison being tortured to death but, that won't weigh on my conscience for the rest of my life....." I went on rambling for alittle while longer until I heard Vance call to me telepathically.

He explained to me that I may have screwed up but, he knew where Parfoom was being held. He had used his question to ask, though I hadn't understood since it was in cow. Someone had taken Parfoom without his family (the wife was visiting her mother with the kids at the time of the attack) and he was being held in a room down this very alley.

Then I new the true meaning and depth of the luck of the gopher. We must have been blessed by Merf to be this fortunate. Slowly, we walked down the alley with Fern using her clairvoyance to tell us what was behind each door along the way. After a dozen or so doors, we got up to the last one which Fern said, had a guard moose on the other side. We couldn't teleport in, so we had to use the more direct route.

We quietly ordered ourselves so as to take advantage of our various talents. Mervin knocked on the door and we all tensed as the knob twisted, creaking open. At that moment, we charged forward overwhelming the opener.

"You know this moose, while being moose-like, looks alot like a zebra." Banny noticed standing over the unconscious animal.

"That is a zebra and he has fine looking stripes I must say!" Mervin interrupted.

With a quick scan of the room I realized that Parfoom wasn't there either. Fern looked around alittle embarrassed and said, "Ooops!! I guess it was the other door." Vance looked at me as if to say that the brain dead had returned to walk the land, a look usually reserved for me.

We rushed out of the room to the other door half wondering what the zebra would think when he woke up. He would probably have an intense fear of opening doors for the rest of his life. I could tell Mervin was getting sick of all the stupid drama that surrounded opening each door, but I didn't expect him to step up and just walk through the door. The moose inside was genuinely surprised to see the monk also -everyone in Berfina generally knocked before entering a room, a common courtesy.

As the moose stared at the monk in disbelief, Brophy let loose with a flash from my pants and the moose was down. It wasn't enough to kill him, just enough to give him one ridge-buster of a headache when he got up. There was one more door to go through on the other side of the room.

I hesitantly asked Fern what was behind this door.

"I'm not sure. Someone must have had a crew cut while watching a Gilligan's Island rerun in his underwear plus reciting the Declaration of Independence and sipping an almond milkshake. That always interferes with clairvoyant power." she responded.

So, we had to open the door blind to what was on the other side. This time I held Mervin back; it worked the last time but, I didn't want to press the gopher. Vance strode over to the new door trying delicately not to let his taps make too much noise and kicked it open. The scene we were confronted with on the inside shocked even Mervin.

There were about a dozen mice jumping up and down on Parfoom's gut, apparently torturing him. He was tied down to a table and the mice were getting all the information out of him that they could. Upon seeing the mice, Fern fainted dead away.

We had obviously surprised them and they were now scattering across the floor trying to escape. The room quickly cleared allowing all of the mice to get away. At least we had gotten to Parfoom in time. Banny told me that he would be all right in a few hours. Mervin untied him while Fern regained consciousness. When she woke she shouted, "Needless yelling and screaming during a bank robbery not only scares the victims, but also hurts your chances of getting away with the money!"

Fern stood up with excitement, "I have my memory back!

The sight of the mice must have done it! I remember now. I was abducted by desert mice and brainwashed into doing what they needed. They wanted someone inside my village to help them take it over. I was to stop any resistance before it started and show them to what they were after when they got there."

"Desert mice? Oh great! That's just wonderful!" snorted Mervin sarcastically.

"What did they want from your village?" I asked.

"That's just it. They wanted the formula for a type of asphalt one of my people had developed. It wasn't anything special. I have no idea why they would want it." Fern answered.

"Those Crafty Desert Mice are not something we want to get mixed up with. Once when I was working through monk school, I got chased by a gang of them. They are big trouble and ruthless. They didn't stop chasing me until I threw them all the cheese I happen to be carrying." Mervin said nervously, visibly shaken by the memory.

"So Vance, it seems that the desert mice are probably responsible for the parking lot thefts. If the asphalt formula was what they were after I'd say it's almost definitely them. Makes sense right? But, why did they kidnap Parfoom and where did they take these parking lots? Fern, did they take you to their city?" I asked.

"No, they didn't have to. They had a few large sleds large for a mouse- and that was all they needed." she answered.

"Well, we can't stay here. We have to leave before those mice come back in larger numbers." I said.

"Let's go. I'll help carry the damn Parfoom." Mervin said.

The monk was suddenly more helpful than before. Those desert mice must have put quite a scare into him. We hurried into the alley toward the opposite end while Vance and Mervin carried Parfoom. As we got to the end, Fern saw that there were a bunch of deer running around looking for something. I thought for a moment, surely making a rock disappear wasn't the cause of a search as large as this.

Brophy led us out of the alley and it wasn't ten seconds before we were spotted by a deer who shouted, "There they are! The leechless ones are over here!"

I urged Vance to 'port us somewhere -anywhere would be an improvement over this. He reminded me that he was unable to do that here -something about the acoustics not being right. I racked my brain trying to find a way out of this and then it hit me. A loose manhole cover flipped up and smacked my shin -now that's a pain that lingers. We jumped down as fast as we could into the sewer of New Berfina. I could honestly see why they didn't put it on the tourist maps. The stench was worse than a zillion 'port jumps and the floor was chunky, not a feeling you get used to very quickly.

We had enough room to move around since it was built by the deer inhabitants of the city, at least I hoped that was why it was so big and not for it's expected volume. The bunch of us sloshed noisily down the tunnel as Brophy nauseated us with his ability to identify what some of the refuse was before digestion. It sickened Mervin so much that he got to experience the reverse flow of his dinner. Of course, Brophy was quick to react, "That's twinkees!"

In seconds, I had a groundhog hiding in my pants again with an angry monk at the zipper. "Hey! We still might be being chased so we don't need any unnecessary noise. Mervin, you stop barfing. Brophy, you stop making him barf." I said.

It didn't appear that we had been followed -who could blame the deer for not wanting to jump into a sewer? I was beginning to wish we hadn't either, that is until we found a relatively dry patch and stopped to rest awhile.

Parfoom began making sounds as if he were coming around.

Mervin and Vance were extremely happy about that because it meant that they probably wouldn't have to carry the deer any further. Everyone paid close attention as he woke up and examined his new surroundings. He sighed in relief after seeing me.

"Thank Merf it's you. I thought those desert mice would kill me to get the information I had." the deer said weakly.

"What did they want to know?" asked Mervin before I could.

"They wanted to know how far I had gotten in negotiating with the Naked Yodeling Black Ferrets of New Berfina. You see, I knew about the desert mouse threat and tried to organize some resistance against it. They're very crafty you know, but the ferrets are craftier. They are the one thing that can stop the mice from over-running the world and making everyone think that they are roquefort cheese." Parfoom said.

"What do you mean, the desert mouse threat? I thought they were disorganized and hated working with each other." I said.

"Well, it seems that they've gotten over that. The dream of world domination can do that to a mouse. But, that's not the worst of it. The mice have gotten African Liver Leeches to help them, that's why the deer appear to be helping. The liver leeches attach themselves to the butts of any land animal larger than a rat and then can control their movements and actions." Parfoom explained.

"That must be why they didn't use a leech on me back at the village," Fern pondered, "I'm a mouse."

"They didn't use one on me because of the injury I got in the rangers. Remember? That's when I had the iron plate put in my butt, great for refrigerator magnets. Anyway, we have to meet with the black ferrets before they think we don't want them to help anymore. We've only got a few more hours if Caution is still telling the time right." Parfoom said pointing to my watch.

I looked at the watch, it was half past Dribben. We would have to boogie if we were to get to the meeting place on time. Of course, I didn't tell the others this because I felt that this just wasn't the place for dancing.

"Follow me, when I was a kid I played in these sewers and I know them like the back of my hoof." Parfoom explained jogging down the tunnel.

Soon, we came to an opening to the surface and went through. We were now in the open air towards the edge of the city; the meeting place was not far now and just in time. Again, I heard the howl of the black ferret. They were near and the meeting would begin soon.