Chapter Eight

Vance led the way to a small lounge where passengers could wait for their ships. It was nearly empty so we had great seats for the television. The gophers knew exactly what they liked so it wasn't necessary to have a lot of channels; in fact, there were only two. The eighteen-hour a day talk show channel, hosted by a Chuck Woolery impersonator (At least I thought it was an impersonator), and a night time sports channel.

The talk channel was on at the moment and the topic was: Toilet paper-our amazing friend! Although it was interesting and it kept Vance riveted, I found myself drifting off to sleep. Through my half-sleeping ears I heard: "...though we have no scientific proof that the ancient gophers had the runs often, it can be assumed because of the vast amount of toilet paper archaeologists have been able to recover. Furthermore, the probability is greatly enhanced when their diet, totally lacking in our major roughage source, pudding, is analyzed. The facts are clear. Our great, great, grand gophers had some mean jet squat! But that isn't all our friend toilet paper can tell us..."

***********

"So, what do you say? We buy you some pants instead of those robes so I can ride shotgun? I must have the most magnificent pants in all the land!!!" Brophy demanded, clasping his hands together rubbing them slightly.

"For the one-times-ten-to-the-fifth time Brophy, NO!!! My monk robes are most sacred and must be worn at all times." Mervin answered.

"Oh yeah, your sacred monk thing. I forgot. By the way, isn't it time for you to pluck your eyebrows again? Would you mind if I ate ham while you liberated brow tresses?" Brophy taunted.

Mervin ignored the groundhog. The monk could smell the aroma of fresh twinkees in the air and nothing would stand in the way of a fresh supply of artificially flavored yellow sponge cake. The walls of the hallway passed faster and faster as Mervin broke into a gallop while Brophy lagged not too far behind. At the end of the hall, the monk stopped to take in the sights in front of him.

The room was as large as any at the monastery and housed what looked to him like a control bank for an interplanetary atmosphere regulatory system, but he couldn't be absolutely certain. More important though was the huge crate of twinkees that sat on the floor beside the complex machinery.

Other than that, the room was filled with scientists and other workers busily monitoring and recording changes in any of the many dials and gauges located on the equipment. Brophy skidded into the room behind Mervin falling head first into a box of expensive looking glass, completely destroying the contents.

The groundhog jumped up and shouted, "I'm all right everybody. I won't need any help...thanks?" He looked around in amazement. No one had even offered him a hand in getting to his feet, how rude. Then he noticed a pair of monks feet dangling out of what appeared to be an empty twinkee crate. Brophy walked over to peer inside and sure enough, there was Mervin. His face was smeared with white filling, but it was definitely Brophy's monk.

Brophy watched the monk for awhile in disgust and was about to start in about his eyebrows again, but the groundhog was interrupted in mid-insult when a scientist wandered by looking around as though he had lost something. It wasn't long before the searching scientist put on a pair of rubber gloves and said the phrase all groundhogs hated hearing:

"Could you bend over a sec, I think I lost my barometer."

***********

"...and so, if you do get paper burn -as is so common in these drier climates- simply dab on some epsom salts and recite a good Albanian folk hymn. Toilet paper may be our good friend in a pinch, so to speak, but it can also get us where we live. So, that's all for this topic and my segment on the talk show channel. See you next week and let's all be careful out there." Click.

"...two ball in the side pocket...damn!!!" I woke up to Vance's cheers as he watched a strip billiards grudge match on the sports channel. Although it was quite the exhilarating event for Vance, I found it kind of boring so I dozed off for a little while longer to the rooting yells of "Moo, moo, moo...."

***********

The arrival area of the spaceport was surprisingly crowded considering there was only one spaceship that ever landed here. Bruno surveyed his surroundings and vowed to take advantage of the situation. From the time he was a small calf he had always had questions about space and what it was like. Spaz and Fern trailed behind so quietly it was as if they had been threatened by a large cow not to say or do anything.

Bruno trotted over to the arrival desk, "Pardon me, but are there any flights arriving now?"

The desk gopher said, "There should be one with passengers coming soon." and she pointed to where they would be.

Bruno grunted his satisfaction to the gopher and went to the area she had motioned him toward. Not sure what Bruno was up to, Fern gave the desk gopher a big thumbs up and followed with Spaz.

Slowly, a trickle of passengers filed through the curtains into the waiting area. Bruno inched his way closer to the line as more and more travelers appeared. He reached over and grabbed a human tourist when close enough and ran off with him under his cow arm. Spaz and Fern ran after them and caught up in a very cramped custodial closet. Bruno had shoved his prisoner into a chair and was grilling him with questions about space.

"Is there really milk up in that Milky Way?" Bruno asked in a fevered voice.

"N-no. We only had fresh cow milk on the rocket...Are you going to pee on me?" asked the terrified tourist.

"Shut up! Where did you go?"

"We went in orbit around Earth. It's a fabulous place. You should see it. They have plenty of mayo there." the prisoner babbled.

"Mayo?!? I HATE mayo!! They have mayo? Those bastards!! Those Earth space mayo-eating bastards!" Bruno yelled.

"Don't like mayo, eh? Well, they also have lots of closet space and I even heard a rumor that the fugitive criminal Willard Scott is laying low there." he said.

"Willard is there? My homeboy is hiding there? I thought he was killed in the explosion at that burrito stand last summer...maybe he was blown into orbit and landed with those mayo lovers...." Bruno said deep in thought.

It was clear that Bruno had lost what little of his mind he could still call his own. Spaz looked a bit concerned, but it wasn't because of the foaming cow. She was missing her favorite soap opera -Ferret Hospital.

***********

"...nine ball in the corner...damn!!!" Vance nudged me awake. He seemed to think that I might want to see the conclusion of the match. I don't know, something about a couple of naked guys playing pool that didn't quite appeal to me. The only thing that did get my interest up was the very end after the game had been won. The loser had to be spanked the same number of times as the score was. I had no particular interest in spanking, it just brought me back to my childhood when midget spanking was all the rage.

Click. "Welcome to the talk show channel. All talk, all day, all night, all the time. You turn us on in a week and we'll be talking. You turn us on tomorrow at breakfast and we'll be talking. Turn us on after the you take a dump and we'll be talking. We talk all the time...don't you get it? Anyway, this half-hour our topic will be: Cannibal magnetism -suicide?"

***********

"Well, if you do happen to find my barometer bring it over immediately, it's very important." the scientist said.

"Of course, but don't expect me to use rubber gloves to find it." Brophy said. Nodding, the scientist left apparently not seeing that Mervin was in the empty twinkee crate.

"That was funny. Hey Broph, mind bending over? I think I lost a bottle of sacramental prune juice." Mervin laughed.

"Oh, bite me, monky! Go pluck your eyebrows. Where is the bathroom around here anyway? My eyes are floating." the groundhog said in obvious bladder trouble.

Mervin was too busy pitying the scientists to listen. They would scurry around gathering data that was important only for a few minutes. A dingbar from now and no one would want to know any of it. "Which is better Brophy? To know the workings of your environment for one moment in time or to understand the workings of your inner self for eternity?"

"Huh? Wow! You sounded almost monk-like for a minute there. You get all that from plucking eyebrows and wearing your sacred monk robes?" Brophy wondered.

"Nah, I was just remembering something that inspired me when I was younger. A few dingbars ago, twinkees used to have a fortune inside and that's what one said. It touched me so deeply that I ran away from my circus and joined the monks. I figured that it was much better to study philosophy and my place in the scheme of things than spending my life doing drudge work." he said.

Just then a pair of scientists walked by talking to each other. "...so are you going to the existentialist's meeting tonight after work?" one asked the other.

"Nope, I'm going to speak at the evolutionist's convention tomorrow and I want to go over some notes for it with the circus performers that just got into town..." then they walked out of earshot.

"So, did you ever figure out your place in the universe?" Brophy asked.

"Nope. And don't say another word." the monk said getting alittle irritated.

"Not that I'm saying anything but, it seems to me that if you had stayed in the circus you might have done both, you dweeb." Brophy said.

Brophy never saw the empty twinkee crate sail through the air. For the following ten minutes all he could say was, "Yep, and it all hinges on the ol' premoistening principle!" while rubbing the ever enlarging bump on his head.

***********

"...let me introduce our next guest on the subject -Stud Muffin. The name is, of course, an alias to cover his real identity. First, Mr. Stud Muffin, why is it that you wanted to use a fake name?" the announcer asked.

"Well, you see, none of my neighbors or friends know that I'm a cannibal and I'm not really comfortable yet with coming out of the closet. Besides that, once people find out that you are a cannibal they stop letting you kiss them because they think you are conducting some kind of taste test and you can forget about ever shaking hands again." Stud Muffin replied.

"Interesting, have you ever been tempted to sneak a bite in when shaking hands or kissing?" the moderator asked.

"Not since I was a kid. I haven't eaten anything off the street in dingbars. It's just too unsanitary. I usually go to the cannibal section in the deli to get the best and freshest cuts nowadays."

Vance mooed in pain; he hated talk shows. Even more because on the sports channel one of his favorites was playing -the Barfeteria Challenge. Graciously, I allowed my buddy to watch his vomit-fest. It was his first true love.

***********

"You aren't making any of this up, are you?" Bruno asked sternly.

"Why no Mr. Cow. Why would you ever say such a thing? I have been most cooperative, haven't I?" the tourist asked.

"Yeah, but..." Bruno was getting tired and it was harder for him to keep his thoughts straight.

"There is one last thing about this Earth. The planet is rich in Kool-Aid deposits." the tourist added.

"Kool-Aid?" Bruno perked up. "They have Kool-Aid? Hmmmm.... Well, this changes everything. Fern, why don't you untie our friend here and let him go."

Fern turned around surprised at his sudden change in attitude. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but why do you want to let him go all of a sudden?"

"Didn't you hear? They are rich in Kool-Aid deposits!" the cow replied excitedly.

The hostage ran from the closet to the baggage terminal and soon was out of sight as the next batch of passengers moved through the terminal. They looked normal, but, unfortunately, they had just come back from a Noveltymen-in-Space reunion in honor of their first flight together ten dingbars ago. Each carried a small sealed tin can in their left hand. They didn't seem like anything special at first glance, but when the noveltymen turned them over, everything went as if in slow motion. Of course, it only seemed like that to Fern and Spaz because of the frightful noise the cans made when inverted.

"MMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Again and again the gleeful gophers turned over their noise makers. Soon the whole reception area was filled with the sickening racket of the artificial mooers. It wasn't so much the noise, but what the noise might trigger when Bruno heard it. The big cow emerged from the broom closet looking quite refreshed and ready to face the rigors of dealing with mice and men again. That was until he heard the moos.

He searched the area quickly for the sound's source and it wasn't too long before he found it. Fern sensed that something horrible was about to happen and tried to change the subject, "Anyone for a quick limbo?" but, it was too late. Bruno already held one of the gophers by the throat when the invitation got to his ears.

The dumb cow was so enraged by the mooing (which translates roughly to 'I WOULD like to see my bladder, Wink') that he forgot about the gopher's abilities. Before he could harm any of the gophers a high pitched screech filled the air. Moments later there were dozens of bags of flour flying through the terminal, all landing on Bruno. When it was all over, Bruno lay under a mountain of white baking flour moaning something about not wanting to see anyone's bladder.

***********

"Congratulations contestant number three!! You have advanced to our bonus round where you blow foam for distance and accuracy to win these exciting prizes!!! Charlie, tell her what she can win..."

I couldn't help watching the Barfteria Challenge. I didn't want to, but it was as if I were hypnotized into it. It made my stomach crawl and I couldn't understand why it wasn't effecting Vance the same way. I forgot that cows had four stomachs and could be sick on three of them but still be able to watch the show.

When they finally went to a commercial break I found the straight to get up and turn the knob on the TV to the other channel. Click. Vance was noticeably disappointed until he saw what the topic was on the talk show channel -Women that pretend they're men dressing as women.

"...when did you first notice that you were different than the other girls and how did you know that you were a woman pretending you were a man dressing as a woman?" asked the host.

"Well, first, none of my clothes matched. I had no concept of color and what would go with what. I never liked shopping, " drawing a gasp from the predominantly female audience, "and I would frequently watch football games in my underwear...."

***********

Brophy was a bit dazed when Mervin dragged him onto the scenic plane cruise. The cruise was mostly for tourists and showed all of the most beautiful sights in Gopherland. The groundhog didn't normally like planes, preferring to go by sled most of the time, but he was in no condition to protest anything. The lump on his head was growing larger and the pounding in his skull was too intense for arguments.

The takeoff was smooth and the pilot's voice came on to tell the passengers that they could take off their seatbelts. The pilot was also the guide for the flight and started to point out some of the best views.

"If you look to the left of the plane you will see the gorgeous Cemetery of the Gopher started in 34 BC. Rumor has it that on nights when there is a full moon strange things start to happen around and about the area." the pilot announced.

The pilot continued, "Ladies and gentlemen, for your own information, I am working this flight naked. Thank you."

"Gee, that's odd. I wonder if they are going to start serving the complimentary twinkees soon." Mervin said to Brophy.

The pilot broke in again, "Will the passengers in coach please stop calling Dominos on the skyphone? Their delivery plane is getting way too close."

"I don't remember seeing anyone else getting twinkees, Mervin. I really don't think that they would serve them on a flight this short." Brophy answered.

"O look! A full moon! Aaoo...I'm a wolf!" came the voice of the pilot over the speaker.

"Well, if they weren't going to serve twinkees on the flight wouldn't you think that they would have told us before we got on the plane?" Mervin asked annoyed at the thought.

The pilot was turning into a chatterbox, "Attention please. It seems that my lucky hamster, Gomez, has gotten loose. If someone doesn't find him soon, we won't have a chance in hell of landing this plane in one piece!!"

"Did they tell you that they weren't going to serve lobster when you got on? Or lasagna? Or even filbert nuts? No! That's because it would take them longer than the flight would last to tell you all the things that they weren't serving, you drooling foot smelter. Wouldn't it be easier on them if they just told you what they were serving?" Brophy asked in a frustrated voice.

"I have lost the will to live without my Gomez!" the pilot mumbled. None of the passengers noticed though because they were all gasping at the wondrous sight of the Cemetery of the Gopher.

"So what you're saying is, that if they weren't going to serve twinkees on this trip, they wouldn't even warn the passengers? Come on. Do I look like I just got out of the seminary? They would have told us that they weren't serving them just to avoid mass panic when the passengers found out." finished Mervin.

Again, the pilot spoke, "To the right of the plane you can see me parachuting to safety while you all plummet to your deaths..." The message ended in static as outside the plane, a parachute billowed open.

It got intensely quiet throughout the plane for a moment and suddenly, everyone started screaming and running around the cabin. Looking around smugly, Mervin turned to Brophy and said, "See, mass panic. Looks like I'm not the only one who's upset about the twinkee situation on this plane."

Brophy was going to explain why they were panicking, but a hamster jumped up onto his lap. It was Gomez, the pilot's pet hamster and he started waving his arms and shouting, "Hey! I need help to land the plane! Heyyy!!"

Gomez filled Brophy in on what had to be done. Only a human-sized animal could effectively fly the plane and luckily, they had a human-sized animal. Mervin wasn't sure what they were talking about, but anything that would get him back to twinkees faster would make him a very happy monk.

As he put it, Gomez was the brains behind the whole piloting job. Anyone could fly the plane as long as Gomez was there to tell them how. The airport was just a few minutes away now so they had to act fast. Gomez told Mervin to lower the flaps, lower his airspeed, batten down the hatches, and trim the sail as they glided to the landing strip. It was a picture perfect landing except for one minor flaw. Gomez forgot to tell Mervin about the landing gear.

They skidded to a halt not more than five feet from the edge of the runway and where the gophers kept all their rocket fuel, jet fuel, dynamite, and Ford Pintos.

***********

"...that's all for this week. Join us next week when our topic will be: Abe Vigoda -pop culture icon?" the announcer finished. As the talk show ended, Whiffer walked into the room and called to us, "Have you seen enough of the sights yet? Well, I don't care. The high-gopher wants to see you now. Go get your little farm together and meet us there."

I looked around for a second to see who he was referring to, but there was no one around but me and Vance. He turned to leave and said, "Come on Bossman, we'll go wait in a cab."

Vance was about to get up when Mervin and Brophy walked into the room. They said that they had seen Bruno, Spaz and Fern riding the baggage carousel with strange blank stares on their faces. Somewhat alarmed, I ran to the baggage area with everyone following me.

When we got there, sure enough, they were sitting on the baggage carousel with blank stares. I stood there not sure what to do when Fern burst out in uncontrolled laughter. At the same time Bruno jumped up and, pointing at Fern, yelled, "I win! You laughed first. I am THE greatest cow alive!!!" and started to do a victory dance right there.

Spaz sat for awhile longer and then tugged at Bruno's arm. "I believe that my facial reactions remained stoic for a slightly elongated temporal period than your own. Therefore, under the laws of our engagement, I am the victor."

Bruno blinked several times before Fern interrupted, "She says that she won, dufus."

"Oh. But, I'm still the best damn cow there is." he pronounced, trying to reassure himself.

Vance took offense and decided to settle this like a cow; he joined the contest. He approached, sat on the carousel and put on his best blank look to put in his claim to the title of 'Best damn cow there is'.